Whole Foods, the Holocaust a grass pervert and Dr. Dre!

Unsolicited random Whole Foods shopper buying gluten-free muffins, “The Holocaust wouldn’t have happened if people didn’t like rules so much.” Not how I want to start my morning. Is she pro rules? Saying.. hey regardless people love rules so much we accepted the horrid Holocaust because rules are just that awesome. Or… dumb ass rule followers caused the travesty so I am going to bring 13 items to this 12 item line to protest all rule following Nazis! But then she is following the no-gluten rule as well as the bring your own bag rule. Or are those just suggestions? Nazis were more for the rules than suggestions.

Then, a man in line in front of me attempted to purchase several raw energy drinks at 7:15am. Along with this purchase was a bunch of shrubbery in an array of green shades and proceeded to announce that he makes these fantastic shakes for his employees every morning because he is a conscious caring boss – which I took as “he is an ass that makes people drink trees for breakfast in exchange for a salary.” But I gave him a nod as if he was a god and I a mere mortal stuck with a shitty boss who is making me get this chocolate hazelnut free-trade bar and intestine clogging bagel of sadness. Turns out there is a law against buying these raw drinks before 8am due to the alcohol content. No slipping the office girls liquor disguised as a glistening glass of grass you pervert. I wonder what side of the Holocaust rule debate he would be on.

My coworkers stand in the hallway facing each other and have conversations. This would be fine if everyone had a pencil thin figure and was composed entirely of dust, or cotton candy and I could easily burst through them with great glee. But no. The hallway is not even wide enough to spread your arms in any sort of glee. Let alone great glee. But there they stand. So now I have to decide, do I want to rub my frontal femmy lumps on Kadar from IT and my hind quarters to the VP of marketing… or vice versa? I make my way toward them.. figuring any moment one will at least pretend to move backward to allow me to pass. How can you be talking to someone and have another person’s body graze yours and not even pause mid sentence? If I was standing at Target and someone brushed their cash and prizes against me as I was sharing my story on how potato bugs are actual the devil himself in alien form sent from that place in the Hellraiser movie and are planning patiently to attack us once their army is in order and we are no longer fueled by gluten which has been the only thing saving us.. I would kindly move over and then say.. “Hold up, Hey!!” And then they would be all.. “for my shoppers who be thinkin’ we soft, We don’t, play We gonna’ rock it ’til the wheels fall off, Hold up, hey or my shoppers who be actin’ too bold, Take a, seat, Hope you ready for the next episode!” and we would dance and be like.. DRE the MAN! But no one is busting out any Dre in this hallway. However, I heard one refer to their sandwich as “sammich” so I am basically now dead inside.

There is a man in my office named Rowdy. No one has ever been the exact opposite of their name more than this guy. He is in no way Rowdy. Everything about him is bland. He is like a low-fat sugar-free vanilla ice cream scoop on a cone made of yawns. He makes no sound when he walks or merely exists. It freaks me out. It’s like he is David Blaine hovering around not making a sound.. but only if David Blaine was in space. And boring. He probably eats sammiches and follows all the rules just like a Nazi. Or do they not follow rules, I am still unclear. Hold, up!